6/30 Things: Hardest

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6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced.

This one is a toughie. Compared to what some people have been through in their lives, I really don't think I have had a difficult experience. I think that I am still experiencing one of the hardest things in life and that is parenthood. But that is a never ending experience.

I guess I would have to say the hardest thing I have ever experienced was probably the months, weeks, days leading up to my grammas death. She got sick so suddenly and no one was expecting it or prepared.

I remember being out with some friends it was a Friday or Saturday night. Luckily I told my mom where I was going and actually stuck with the plan. I don't really remember exactly what happened, but I remember my dad showing up to get me. He told me that my gramma was sick and she was in the hospital in critical condition. It was late and I remember the car ride was very quiet. The radio was playing "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain. That song is forever embedded into my memory from that night. The hospital was strangely quiet that night. My gramma was in the ICU waiting to go back into surgery. My whole entire family was there including a close family friend and my dad. I ran to my mom as soon as I saw her and we just cried. They told me that the doctors think that gramma had a heart attack and that her organs were failing. They told us that there may be a bowl obstruction and that they needed to take her back to surgery as soon as possible. They had to wait though until her blood pressure evened out. It would get really high and then suddenly drop to nothing. The doctors told us that the surgery had a 20% survival rate. Those hours were the worst hours of my life. I remember them so vividly. At that moment I couldn't remember the last words I said to my gramma. I wanted to remember so badly but couldn't. After many hours the doctors came in and told us that she survived the surgery and she was stable. Obviously the next 48-72 hours were critical. They would keep her in the ICU until she was stable enough to be moved to another room. There was no bowl obstruction and they think she may have suffered another heart attack during the surgery. She went on from that day to spending about 2 months in the ICU. She had to have a tracheotomy and couldn't speak. She had a feeding tube. I spent my lunch hours from work visiting her and talking to her. The doctors were optimistic about her recovery and thought that she would be better off at a rehabilitation center in Panama City Beach. They thought she could possibly get off the respirator and start breathing on her own. She spent several weeks at the center. She would have good days and bad days. On her good days she was actually strong enough to be propped up in a chair in her room. On her bad days they would call us and tell us that these might be her final moments. We would all rush to see her and then she would make a turn for the better. I didn't visit as often when she was there. The drive was a bit much every weekend for me.

I was picking up a few things from the store. It was early evening. My cell phone rang and it was my mom. She wasn't crying but I could tell something was wrong in her voice. My first words were "gramma passed, didn't she"? My mom said yes. I said "okay". I hung up and finished my shopping. I was staying the night with my boyfriend at the time. I texted him that my gramma passed away. He came straight home from school. I remember collapsing on his bathroom floor and I just bawled. I knew this day was coming but then again I didn't. The doctors had given us hope that she could pull through.

Her service was beautiful. All her church family were there. They dedicated all the songs that the choir sang that Sunday morning to her. They even left her chair open with her tiny little box that she needed to stand on to help her feet sit flat while she sang. After the church service, we had the memorial service. Friends and family got up to speak about her life. There was some laughter and some tears. I wrote a speech and made my way through it. I also dedicated "The Rose" by Bette Midler to her. Her favorite flower was the yellow rose. She was cremated so it was a week or two before the burial. We had a small family service for that.

There is one moment that I will never forget. It was several days after her passing. I was visiting the house that her and my Papa lived in. The house I was raised in. It was on the market but there was still boxes inside. There was a beautiful magnolia tree in the front yard that I used to climb. I was leaving and as I was walking under this tree to get to my car, the biggest gust of wind surrounded me. It had been a warm spring day and this wind was so refreshing. I could almost hear it speak to me. It was my gramma letting me know she was okay and not to be sad. I remember looking up to the sky and thanking her for that.

I still to this day miss her so very much. Now that my Papa is in heaven with her I feel as though I miss her more. I wish she was here to see her great grandchildren. I hope she is looking down on me and smiling!