To Make You Feel My Love

When I write, I write about things. I read a lot of blogs that write to people. They write mainly to their children in hopes that one day their children will read these blog posts and look back and remember the memories they had and know how much their parents/grandparents/loved ones loved them! I have yet to write to my children and tonight I have an urge to write to them and let them know just how much Mommy loves them.

My Dearest Kaden and Karsyn,

The moment that I found out I was pregnant with you (Kaden) my sweet baby boy I was over joyed with happiness. A little nervous, not going to lie. Your daddy and I were in the midst of planning our wedding which was not supposed to be happening so soon, but because mommy had already purchased my size 0 wedding dress we had to push it up a bit. I truly enjoyed being pregnant with you. I had a pretty mild and non-eventful pregnancy. I remember the day we went in to find our the gender of our little peanut. In all honesty and please don't hate me for this, but I thought for sure you were going to be a girl. We had the sweetest ultrasound technician. She took her time with us and showed us all your bones and organs and made sure that you were healthy and growing as you should. She waited until the last little bit of the appointment to point out the gender. I was beginning to think you were not showing yourself to us. She did not know how much I was wanting a girl. She looked at the screen and with a big smile on her face she says to us "see that right there?" Of course we didn't know what anything looked like so we were oblivious to what she was pointing out. Your Mimi and Memaw were in the room with Daddy and I. Daddy figured it out before any of us did. I just remember him smiling from ear to ear. Finally I screamed "It's a BOY!" and everyone hooted and hollered with us. My eyes filled up with tears, some because of just a pinch of disappointment but more so because it was a boy. I know that doesn't make since but I was just so happy that you were healthy and I already loved you so much. We chose the name Kaden Robert. We knew we wanted to stay with a K name. We searched the Internet and Kaden popped out at us. I already knew that Robert was going to be the middle name because it was a family name. Once we picked out your name things became so surreal at that point. You weren't just this little peanut growing inside of me. You were a person now. You already had meaning in my life. Any disappointment I had, had went away. I was completely blessed I was having a son. Your birth date came and passed and luckily it wasn't long after that, that I went into labor with you. After a long 22 hours of grueling labor and my blood pressure spiking and your heart rate dropping, we decided on a c-section. You were born at 3:46am on June 18th, 2009. A whopping 9lbs 6oz. From the moment you came out screaming I was head over heals in love with you. You were a perfect baby. You were so happy and easy going. You always had a smile on your face. The first year of your life was such a learning experience for your daddy and I. During that time, I learned that I was not cut out to be a working mom. I quit my job when you were about 5 months old. That has been the best decision daddy and I have ever made. We have had rough days but I have really enjoyed being a stay at home mom. I love teaching you and getting to see all the firsts and getting to be so involved in everything that you do. I know these times won't last long and I cherish that I get to be a part of them right now. You are now approaching your 4th birthday and as exciting it is to watch you grow it is also a little sad. You are growing so quickly and I wish I could stop time and keep you close to me for a little while longer.

Shortly after your first birthday baby boy, we found out we were expecting you (Karsyn) our sweet sweet princess. I was thrilled the moment I saw that positive sign on the pregnancy test. It took a couple of months to finally get that. I was so discouraged the first few months when we would see a negative. Getting pregnant with your big brother happened so quickly and we didn't think it would take too long to get pregnant again. We went to our family practitioner to get the pregnancy confirmed and get the referral to the OB. When we went in the test came back negative. I remember thinking how could this be. I took at least 5 tests and they all came back positive. The doctors decided to run a blood test. This blood test would consist of 2 blood samples. One test would be taken and then another would be taken 24 hours later. If my levels had doubled then that was a good sign. It would mean that the pregnancy was viable. In the meantime of waiting on the results I was able to go ahead a schedule the OB appointment. Because of the uncertainty of the pregnancy, instead of having a consultation first we went ahead and had an ultrasound. The ultrasound did show an egg so that was a good sign but the egg was not measuring to the gestational age it should have been. We were told that I could either have an ectopic pregnancy or I could be miscarrying. I remember the time it took waiting for those blood results seemed like an eternity. I remember crying thinking that this was my shot at having my little girl and it could end in a miscarriage. We finally got the results back and they had not doubled but TRIPLED. We were over the moon with these results. We went on to having a few extra ultrasounds just to make sure everything was progressing as it should. The first time hearing your heartbeat was such a relief. At around 15 weeks (which is still kind of early) we went to The Prenatal Experience and had a 3D/4D gender determination ultrasound. I could not wait until 18 weeks with our doctor to find out. I was already anxious as it was. We had all of our family there with us. It was such a neat experience. Even though there were a lot of people, it seemed to be really relaxing. The girl doing the ultrasound didn't waste any time telling us what the gender was. Immediately she typed out the word GIRL on the screen. I had such a hard time fighting back the tears. Of course these were happy tears. My pregnancy with you my sweet girl was not as easy as it was with your big brother. I went in to triage for dehydration and I had early cramping with you. At one point I thought I was going into pre-term labor. You held out though. We had a scheduled c-section planned at 39 weeks. You decided on your own that you wanted to be a day early. I had been into triage a few hours prior for contractions but they had stopped so we were sent home. I came back that night and within a few hours we were prepped and heading back to deliver our girl. You had some lungs on you. You however my dear were not as easy as Kaden. You had some pretty bad reflux that made you cry all the time. Once we finally got it diagnosed right you were a completely different baby.  Your were and still are my tiny little thing. I have been in such bliss every since the day that they put that little 6lb 7oz bundle of pink in my arms. You are now approaching your second birthday. Just as I am with your brother, I am excited to watch you grow but I wish there was a button to freeze time to keep you little forever.

Both of you, my babies, I love you ever so much. There are not enough words to describe how happy you both make me. I smile just saying your names. I pray that you both will grow up to be loving, caring people. Tears fill my eyes just thinking about you both. I hope you know just how much love and joy you have brought to my life. This quote reminds me so much of how I feel for you both.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

This is so true for me. There are many nights I go into your rooms and just look at you and caress you and hold you in my arms. I sit there and admire how beautiful you both are. I pray over you and I think how lucky I am God has chosen you for me, and me for you. I will always love you both unconditionally for the rest of my life. I always want what is best for you and I will always try my best to be the best mother I can be for you both. You are my heart and soul and I love you so so much.

Love,
Your Mommy.