Keeping my Faith

Trying to stay a float today. I keep wishing for something to let me know that my papa is better and that he is with my gramma. Like a gust of wind, or something that happens that reminds me of him or something. I don't know, it might sound crazy to everyone else but to me I guess I just think it would make me feel better. I want to cry all the time but I try to stay strong for my babies. I don't want Kaden to think that he has made mommy upset. I get sick to my stomach though when I think about him being gone. I feel like my memories have faded. I don't want them to go away. I feel like I don't remember what he was like before he got so bad. I feel like I don't remember my gramma as much anymore. I wish that I had a picture of him and I from my wedding. I wish I had more pictures of him and I in general. I feel like I need to be sad ALL the time. I feel like if I even have any happy moment that I am not greiving for him. Its hard to wake up each morning and want to get out of bed to see my kids when all I want to do is lay in bed and remember the good times I had with my grandparents. I miss their house. It was my home. College kids live there now. I want to go there sometimes and knock on the door and tell them that I used to live there. I want to tell them that I colored on the wall leading down to the basement. That I used to play hide and seek in the closests. That ALL of my Christmas mornings where spent there and that there were so many presents that we would have to take an intermission half way through. I want to tell them that, that rose garden that used to be there that isn't anymore used to be my grammas favorite thing to do. The street that the house sits on, was the street that I would skip down with my gramma and that I would dance out in. The front porch was where my papa and I used to play eye spy and we would pontificate. I miss that house and I miss the family that we used to have in that house and I miss my gramma and I miss my papa. I am no ones grand daughter anymore. My papa will never sing "here she comes, Miss America" when I walk in the door ever again. My gramma will never ask me if she can try on my clothes knowing very well she would never fit. I will never get to play piano with my papa again nor will my kids ever get lessons from him. My papa lived an amazing life. He was so educated and talented and well rounded. He provided for his family like a man should. He worked hard and loved strong. He made mistakes along the way and was not perfect but who is? The mistakes he made as a father he made up for as a grandpa. He cherished me and I cherished him. I was his world and now that he is gone I am realizing that he was mine too! I hope that I never forget him and what we shared together. I hope that I can tell my kids all about him and my gramma and how much fun they were and how much they loved me and how much I loved them. They will forever be in my heart and on my mind. I know that God is with both of them now and has healed them both and is probably drinking coffee and doing the Sunday crosswords with them. I also know that god will get me through this and that he will make sure that I continue to remember them. I am thankful for my belief in God and how strong his love and my faith is to get me through this.