It's A Bloggerful Life: A beautiful life comes to an end

I grew up incredibly close to my grandparents. We had an unbreakable bond. My gramma was probably my biggest fan. She passed away 6 years ago. Her death for me was a difficult one. We knew that it could happen but a little part of us thought she would pull through. She got very sick unexpectedly and never fully recovered. My papa was with her, holding her hand at the end. I think I handled it a little better then I thought because I knew that I still had my papa. He kept her alive for me. Having him still made me feel like a part of her was still here. My papa went to live in an assisted living after the passing of my gramma. He hated it at first. He wanted to go home. He became very depressed, not to mention he had early onset dementia. He would forget where he was and that my gramma passed away. He would ask over and over again where his wife was. Having to tell him every single time that she was dead was very difficult. This may be horrible but we began to tell him that she was on vacation. After some time he stopped asking, I feel like towards the end he didn't even know who she was anymore, but I know that he does. The first couple of years were good ones in the home. My mom and my Aunt and myself would go play cards with him in the evenings. We would sit with him in the rocking chairs outside on the front porch and talk about old times. We would bring cake and ice cream on his birthdays. It wasn't like being at my grandparents house but it was becoming home and he was still my papa at that time. Towards the end I stopped visiting as often. He became very hard of hearing and his short term memory loss was at its high. We would have to repeat over and over again who we were and the relation we were to him. He became very irritable and aside from going to the dinning room for meals all he wanted to to was either be in his bed or in his lounge chair sleeping. He would have his good and bad days. His bad days were really bad days and his good days well they were far and few. I regret not visiting more often now. After having each baby I did take them to see him. I wanted him to at least hold them and meet them even though I knew he did not know who they were and really didn't feel an emtional connection to them. I think I did it more for me and for my kids.

Papa and Kaden (4 months)

Papa and Karsyn (4 months)

I am so glad that he was able to see them and hold them. I hope that he will take that memory (if he even remembers it) to my gramma and tells her how beautiful they are and how happy I am. The day before he passed I also took them to see him (I don't know if it was the right thing to do to let Kaden see him like that) but for me, it felt right and well I cannot take it back now. Kaden told his great papa to take a nap and to have sweet dreams. He told him he loved him although he was just saying what I told him to say, I at least wanted my papa to hear those words.

On November 2nd I got a call around 10:30pm from my mom who I had just been with at the mall only about an hour before. She told me that she was driving to papa's home to meet with My Aunt because hospice had called and said that he was not going to make it through the night. I said I am on my way. I got there probably 5 minutes after getting the phone call. I am right down the street from where he lives. My mom and step dad and also my Uncle Gino came walking in not to much longer after I had arrived. a hospice nurse was there as well as the nurse on staff at his home and a caregiver where in the room. My papa is one of 3 who are still living there from when he came so these people have gotten to know him an his family. I saw him hooked up to oxygen and barely getting enough air. He looked very frail. It was hard to see him like that. The hospice nurse told us that she didn't expect him to live much longer. His heart rate was in the 170's and that more then likely it would give out and he will just go to sleep. He held on that entire night and even the next day. Myself along with the people mentioned above stayed with him the first night. I think we left at about 5 in the morning and at that point he was stable. I visited him twice the next day. Once was inthe afternoon and the hospica chaplin was there. We had a very good visit. We talked about the memories I had with him and she prayed with us. The next time was my last time and it was with my mom, my aunt, and my kids. I told my aunt to call my Uncle Paul and my papa's sister Patty to let them say their goodbyes. A good friend of mine had that idea when my dad's mom was dying and she said to have someone who was with her put the phone up to her ear so she could hear me say goodbye. I think it helped both of us have that closure sine I had not seen her in several years. So my Uncle and my "great: Aunt said their goodbyes and told him it was okay to let go. I believe very strongly that he was waiting for that. He needed to hear that his kids were going to be fine and I think he wanted to make sure that everyone who needed it got to say goodbye while he was still here. When my Uncle Paul said Hi dad from the phone, my papa's eyes opened very wide and it seemed as though we was trying to speak. Now if I haven't menioned this, my papa was basically completely deaf. Like the chaplin was saying though, sometimes near the end God will let you hear the things that you need to hear. I think my papa could hear us those two days talking to him and telling him how much we loved him and how much he meant to us. I got the call this morning that he had passed away at 8am. From what I know, he was by himself and peacefully just went to sleep. I am at peace with the fact that he has passed away because I know that he is not in any pain anymore and his body has been restored and he is with God and also with my gramma. I am sad however in the sense that the little part of my gramma that he kept alive by being here is gone. She got to see me get married because of him, she got to see me have not one but two babies because of him. I know that she sees it anyways but just having him here was comfort for that she was here also.

I also mourn the loss of some of my family members now. Not in the way that they are dead but in the way that after the funeral service I may never hear from them again. When my gramma passed away things happened that put a riff in our family with some of the family members. First it was what was left to whom by my gramma and then it was words that where said and then it was money. I had a huge part in the words that where said. I got defensive and said some pretty awful things that I shouldn't have said to someone and that caused some tension between myself and that person as well as my mom and her brother. I am extremely sorry and have been for a while now about the things that I said. What I said was very immature. I hurt some people very much and for them to not like me is understandable. I wish that I had the guts to tell that person how deeply apologetic. Maybe one day I will feel that it is a "right" time to tell them. I wish that it hasn't come to this. No family should be where we are now. It is awful. I went through to births without some of my family not even knowing it. Karsyn still has not met two of her great uncles nor have they congrtulated me on having my babies. They all think that I am the same person I was a while ago and I am happy to say that I am not. Like I said, I feel awful for the thins that I have said. Being a mom I would never want my kids to act the way I did. I had reason to be angry but I had no right to go off like I did. Maybe these people will read this and take this as my apology or at least step towards that and we can move on from this. I hate knowing that my papa passed away in a time where our family is not a family. It should have been that this brought us closer instead of tearing us apart. I love my family very dearly and I just want things to get better. I know this is more painful for my mom who once had an unbreakable relationship with my Uncle. It's sad to see what has become of that. I hope that we can get to a place where my grandparents can be proud of the family they have.

I hope that my papa is telling my gramma about her great grandbabies and about how I am doing and how I have a wonerful husband and I get to be with my babies every day. I hope he tells her how wonderful of a job my mom did raising me and even more wonderful she is with her grandbabies. She keeps the thins that she and I learned from my papa alive with them. The catch phrases that my papa used to say, my mom is teaching to Kaden. I will continue to tell them about their great grandparents and make sure that they know how incredibly special they were to me and how special they would have been to them. Both my gramma and my papa would have been over the moon for my babies and would have spoiled them more then they spoiled me which is hard to imagine. I will continue to miss and love them very much until I can be with them again. Like my papa used to say, "See you in the funny pages"